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James Franco on ‘SNL’: 3 Sketches You Have to See

By Kate Erbland

Kate Erbland

After taking a well-deserved week off to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday – presumably, a break that included at least a smidge of Back Home Baller-ing  – the cast of Saturday Night Live returned to Studio 8H to begin wrapping up the 2014 portion of the show’s fortieth season. James Franco (self-professed “actor, poet, artist, dude”) was on hand to host for the third time, with best pal Seth Rogen and musical act Nicki Minaj frequently popping up to assist in the merry-making duties.

The episode was a mostly mid-level energy affair, one that zinged between targeting unsettling current events (something the show has struggled to do well during its latest season) and goofy, music-heavy numbers that allowed Minaj to put her own game spin on another famous females (looking at you, Beyonce and Kim K). As ever, Franco wasn’t afraid to go big and weird with his work, but the end result was an episode that was never willing to go far enough into either the topical or the silly. Still, there were some major highlights, including these three stand-out clips.

“Star Wars Teaser”

The joke here – there’s a new Star Wars coming out, and man, are those original cast members old now! – isn’t a new one, but the details of this digital bit lift it above the sci-fi fray. There’s the casting, including Bobby Moynihan as Princess Leia (surely, the woman has to be a queen by now, right?) and Franco as a geriatric Luke Skywalker, that provide obvious laughs. There’s the older set’s struggles with the most basic of technologies (it’s sort of like being with your own family). There’s even a nod to the future of the series, with Jay Pharoah playing John Boyega’s currently unnamed newbie Stormtropper with just the right touch of exasperated drama. But what this teaser does so well is recognize what fans of the seminal series really want to see: their heroes, back in action, wondering what the hell that adorable little droid is. That thing is rolling.

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“Grow-A-Guy”

Mike O’Brien may no longer be a regular Saturday Night Live cast member, but luckily for all of us, he’s still churning out his unique brand of sad/sweet sketches via various digital shorts. O’Brien’s best work has always tight-roped the line between amusing and just kind of heartbreaking, a special subgenre of comedy that he again explores with his “Grow-A-Guy.”

It should come as little shock that O’Brien and Franco would re-team for another digital outing – remember their glorious “Monster Pals” from last season? – but it is surprising just how much “Grow-A-Guy” echoes that sketch’s themes of fitting in and appreciating friendship (we promise this is funny, as emotionally downbeat as that may sound). O’Brien stars in his own short – billed as “A Mike O’Brien Picture” – as a slightly sadsack high school student whose own friends (especially Beck Bennett, who can now add “jerky teen” to his repertoire of characters) don’t especially like him. Pushed to prove he’s got other pals, O’Brien’s Trevor grows one, nursing a newly hatched Franco into real-boy status.

Well, kind of. He is a Grow-A-Guy after all, and when his true identity is found out (thanks to his dizzying misunderstanding of the nature of hashtags), the short takes a decidedly O’Brien-esque left turn into unexpected emotion. Won’t someone real be Trevor’s friend, for goodness sakes?

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“Porn Stars With James Franco and Seth Rogen”

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong slip back into their trademark bandage dresses for a fresh round of attempting to prove their value as spokeswomen for yet another “luxirant” and “desrabable” premium product. This time around, it’s Sunseeker Yachts, which allows the duo to sport kicky sailor hats while also mispronouncing “yachts” in new and unexpected ways.

As comfortable as Bayer and Strong might be with their dim-bulb, ex-porn star alter-egos by now, there’s still plenty of good material to mine here (and lots more backstory to explore, including this week’s revelation of a peculiar physical ailment suffered by Bayer’s “Brekkie”), and it only gets better when fresh participants are thrown into the mispronounced stew of utter idiocy. Franco and Rogen literally sail into the sketch (twice, actually) appearing as underwater porn directors looking to make a quick buck by foisting yachts on rich consumers. Their commitment to the gag – especially Franco’s understanding of the product they’re shilling as “seersucker yaks” – row the sketch into undiscovered waters, just like sailing on the Titanus!

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Sunseeker Yachts

1 12.06.2014.

SNL Transcripts Tonight

For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans

Porn Stars with Seth Rogen and James Franco – Sunseeker Yachts

Brecky….Vanessa Bayer

Friend….Cecily Strong

Captain Jack Swallow….James Franco

James Franco….Seth Rogen

Brecky: Luxurence Friend: Frills Brecky: Lavishable Friend: Disrabable Both: The amazement. Sun Sinker Yachts. (They wildly mispronounce ‘yachts’ everytime) Friend: All the glycerince of a floating sea castle Brecky: You’ll feel like a real housewife of Atlantis Both: With Sunsinker Yachts. Brookie: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I’m Brecky. Friend: No, that’s your name. Brecky: And we aren’t porn stars anymore. But that doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy the freedom of standing at the front of a ship and getting blasted in the face. Friend: And they’re perfect. For occasions like: Brecky: Whale Washing Friend: Jail release party Brecky: Hey, you just knocked over a lighthouse you idiot Friend: and Bermuda four-way. I guarantee it. You’ll feel like you’re getting it in all the portholes in once. Brecky: You’ll feel like you’re on the maiden voyage of the Tightanus (the guys are wheeled on stage in boats, dressed as captains) Seth: Did someone say James: That sounds fishy? Both girls: No, not yet, no… (the guys are wheeled offstage) With Sunsinker Yachts. Friend: One time I thought I banged a merman, but it was just a guy with long hair and eczema. I was like, “We’re gonna need a bigger throat. Thanks Yachts.” Brecky: I lost my foot, in my butt. It used to be on my leg, until I tried to kick a squirrell and missed really bad. Now when someone’s like, “Sit on it,” I’m like, “You mean stand on it?” And either way, they’re like, “Get out of here.” Friend: One time, I thought I got banged into another dimension like Innersmaller, but I was just stuck in a pull-out couch. I was like, “What does pull out mean?” Brecky: Hey remember getting water in your ear? It’s like… (they both ‘practice’ getting water out of their ear and ad lib ‘get out of there,’ ‘that’s my ear,’ etc.) (the guys are wheeled on stage in boats, dressed as captains) Seth: Did someone say James: That sounds fishy? Girls: Okay, go now, go… (the guys stand up out of the boats) James: Hi, I’m captain Jack Swallow of the Black Pearl Necklace Seth: And I’m James Franco James: We’re the captains of Nautical-themed pornography. You might remember me as Tom Yanks in the move Blastaway. Seth: And I was the star of the TV series Freaks and Queefs James: But you don’t need a PhDong in Ocean Porn to appreciate Seersucker Yachts. Seersucker Yachts, They’re Yachts in Seersucker suits! Cause, why not? Yachts can be fancy too sometimes. Brecky: Hey, what are you saying? We’re trying to do this AD and get free boats from Both Girls: Sunsinker Yachts. Both Guys ad lib: Oh right, The crime, Wink wink, etc… Seth: So, dress your yacht up in a seersucker suit like he’s at the Kentucky Furby James: And to our high school film teacher who said, “You’ll never star in 300 underwater pornos,” Why would you say that, dude? Seth: So get sunsinker Yachts today. The only thing you need to bring is… (simultaneously) Brecky: A sense of adventure Friend: Butt beads Guys: With Sunsinker Yachts!

Midterm Ad | Season 44 Episode 4

Democrat 1…..Heidi Gardner

Democrat 2…..Beck Bennett

Democrat 3…..Kate McKinnon

Democrat 4…..Jonah Hill

Patient…..Kenan Thompson

Democrat 5…..Leslie Jones

Democrat 6…..Kyle Mooney

Democrat 7…..Pete Davidson

Democrat 8…..Aidy Bryant

Democrat 3: They say don’t trust the polls, but I’m choosing to. We’re finally going to put this administration in check.

Democrat 6: Sorry, Republicans. This one goes to the, goes to the Democrats.

Democrat 1: And once we win, will everything suddenly get better? No, there’s still a long, hard… KIDS! Go inside! [ She is yelling at her children. ] Mommy told you, go inside till Tuesday!

Kid 1: Till Tuesday?

Democrat 1: Just go the [bleep] inside!

Democrat 7: Me and my friends can’t wait to vote. So we will see you at the polls, next Thursday.

Democrat 8: Tuesday.

Democrat 7: I know, mom. I’m kidding.

Democrat 5: So be part of the victory. Get out there and vote.

Democrat 4: Promise me, you’re gonna vote!

Patient: I am.

Democrat 2: It feels pretty good!

Democrat 1: We’re gonna win! [ Her two kids peak out the front door. ] Stay in there!!!

Democrat 8: We’re gonna win.

Teacher Fell Down | Season 44 Episode 4

Teacher…..Kate McKinnon

Student 1…..Jonah Hill

Student 2…..Pete Davidson

Student 3…..Aidy Bryant

Teacher: Ha, ha, ha. Teacher fell down.

Student 1: Are you okay?

Student 3: Yeah, ‘cause you really fell down there.

Student 2: Yo, you need like help?

Teacher: No, no. It’s too late for that. Teacher’s on the ground. Like a silly little girl. Well, I’m not a little girl, and I didn’t fall.

Student 1: Yes, you did. Do you wanna like get up, though?

Teacher: No, no. We’re staying in this. ‘Cause, I’ve got a hunch, and I’m not a psychologist.

Student 2: Yo, this is Driver’s Ed.

Teacher: But maybe you’re laughing, ‘cause you’re afraid. Teacher’s on the ground. Everything’s different. Are we okay?

Student 3: Yeah, we’re good. But, are you okay?

Teacher: Oh, ‘cause I tripped. ‘Cause I was teaching too fast. You remember how fast it was?

Student 1: Nah, I think it was just cuz you didn’t realize your shoes were heelys.

Teacher: Say, honey, what now?

Student 2: Uh, heelys are sneakers with wheels in them.

Teacher: Impossible! This is all funny now, but it’s not gonna be funny if it turns out I have two broken legs. And I’m in a full bottom mermaid cast. Wheeled around in a trash bin, covered head to toe in the stinky trash. That’s not funny. Spaghetti in my hair.

Student 1: I think that is funny.

Teacher: Alright, you, you laugh it up. Laugh away like this is some episode of Friend.

Student 3: Do you mean Friends?

Teacher: I don’t know movies.

Student 1: [ He stands up from his desk and heads towards the teacher on the ground. ] I can’t take this, I have to help her.

Teacher: Halt! I can teach from the ground, can’t I? Yes, uh, let’s place our hands on the wheel. Okay, remember, how old are my kids? Ten and two. [ She motions placing her hands on the wheel but then falls over more. She places one finger on her nose. ] Oh. Oh my dear God. Teacher fell more.

Student 1: It’s honestly not that much different. You’re like three inches lower.

Teacher: God, I’m on the ground. Oh! I’m where I belong. They always said I was too frail. Said I wouldn’t live past three. And I wish I hadn’t.

Student 3: Oh no, don’t tell us stuff.

Teacher: You know I’ve fallen down before. Once, at my own wedding. And a thousand other times.

Student 1: Stop sharing.

Teacher: My ex-husband used to tell me, “Gail, you’re too weak. Gail, you’re too clumsy. Gail, those shoes have wheels”. Put that phone away!

Student 2: Yo, I’m calling the nurse.

Student 3: Oh my God.

Teacher: Get up you. Spit in my hair.

Student 2 & 3: Nooo!!!

Teacher: Look at us. The world has gone topsy-turvy, and so have we. We’re all here we’re all laughing like cats. You oughta try it, falling down. You see the world differently down here. You realize how small we all are, and how big the floor is. Alright, I’ve learned my lesson. Someone help me up. [ She reaches for help but all of the students have left the desks, and she is alone in the classroom. ] Well, they’ve left. I guess school is over. And, what, would you look at that? [ She examines the underside of her shoe. ] There’s a wheel in my shoe. What?!

Political Musical | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Performer 1…..Aidy Bryant

Performer 2…..Kate McKinnon

Performer 3…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Beck Bennett

Performer 4…..Melissa Villaseñor

Audience 2…..Chris Redd

Performer 5: Alex Moffat

Audience 3…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 4…..Mikey Day

Announcer: It’s New York City, and Broadway’s the place to be. But why not go off-Broadway where they’re not afraid to go there. [ Cut to a screen that reads “Not afraid to GO THERE.”] Introducing ‘Divided We Stand.’ [ Cut to the outside of a theatre with ‘Divider We Stand’ on the marquee. ] A new musical [ Cut to the stage where the performers are ending a song. ] that dives head first into our current political climate.

Performer 1: Ay dios mio. My country is no good. I need, como se dice, American Dream?

Announcer: In a show that can only be described as definitely written by the actors.

Performer 1: [ She begins to sing. ] Adios Venezuela. I’m finally on my way. Bienvenidos, America. And hello, Broadway. Broadway!

Announcer: ‘Time-Out New York’ calls it [ Cut to news headlines. ] “dangerously oversimplified” and “literally helping no one.”

Performer 2: Border control, birth control, it’s all out of control.

Audience 1: I guess the worst part of the play was their confidence in it.

Performer 1, 2, & 4: Me too, me too, and you, and you, and you. It’s happened to all of us, how do you do? Me too, me too, me too.

Announcer: “Jesus Christ,” says the New York Times, and “I don’t need to tell you, the cast was all white.”

Audience 2: They wrote in the cast list what makes them diverse and one person said, “Parents divorced.” And, that’s not for me.

Performer 5: Trump blames violence on the fake news media. Rewriting history like we read Wikipedia. War, troops, and hella pollution, what’s next 3D print the Constitution?

Announcer: Playbill.com writes “I was wondering why one guy had three separate raps and then I realized he was also the director.”

Audience 1: I’m actually dating a girl in the show.

Performer 4: I am the Statue of Liberty, and there’s no way you’re getting into me.

Audience 1: Umm, I think this might be it for us.

Announcer: You’ll walk away wondering whose parents paid for this?

Audience 3: I think that last song was telling us not to vote.

Announcer: Now playing at the Mariska Hargitay Theatre. Tickets are $140?!

Jonah Hill Five-Timers Monologue | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Jonah Hill

…..Tina Fey

…..Drew Barrymore

…..Candice Bergen

…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

Jonah: Hey. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be back here at Saturday Night Live hosting for more my fifth time. That’s right. TOnight I am joining the five-timers club among SNL royalty, like, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake. I mean this has been a dream of mine since the fourth time I hosted. But I am honestly looking forward to getting the five-timers jacket. Maybe there’s matching pants, I don’t know.

Tina Fey: Hey Jonah! [ They greet with a hug and cheek kisses. ] Okay. It’s a big night. Wow, you look so nice. Don’t mind me. Was it hard walking down here in your heels? No, just me? Anyway, welcome to the Five-Timers Club.

Jonah: Oh my God, thank you fellow five-timer.

Tina Fey: Ahh, don’t say it, just be it. And listen when we get to the five-timers lounge, just, be cool.

Jonah: Oh my God, we’re going to the five-timers lounge?

Tina Fey: Alright, Jonah. Here it is, the Five-Timers Club.

Jonah: Wow, Drew Barrymore, Candice Bergen, I can’t believe it. Amazing.

Drew Barrymore: You get your butt in here, Jonah.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club, Seth.

Jonah: Oh no, I’m not Seth Rogen. No, I’m actually Jonah Hill.

Candice: And that’s not the same guy?

Jonah: Ha, ha. Hazing the new guy. I know you’re very familiar with my work, Candy.

Candice: Sure.

Jonah: So it’s, uh, kind of a light turn-out is it? Ladies night or something?

Drew: What do you mean?

Jonah: No, I…I was just, like, wondering where, where all the men are?

Tina: Oh the guys? Oh they’re not allowed in right now ‘cause it turns out they’re all a bunch of horny perverts. Time’s up on that.

Drew: Yeah, we have to be very careful about which famous men we let in here.

Jonah: You’re kidding, yeah?

Drew: It’s like Tom Hanks, Woody from Toy Story. [ She imitates Woody. ] “There’s a snake in my boot.” Yeah, I think we all know what that means.

Tina: And Steve Martin was always like, ‘Mind if I play the banjo?’ And then he would just like start playing. Like, no consent.

Candice: And Justin Timberlake ripped a lady’s top off at the Super Bowl. I mean, did anybody else see that?

Jonah: Bummer. Hey, this is still great. This is still good.

Drew: Alright, let’s get this party started. Do you wants something to drink?

Candice: Oh, hey. Uh, or smoke?

Jonah: No, I’m good. I’m about to host. I want to stay sharp for the show.

Candice: Ha ha. Cool, nerd. Uh, last time I hosted, I was blacked out. Oh speaking of which, I need a refill. Uh, can I get another Pete Davidson, please.

Jonah: What’s a Pete Davidson?

Candice: Well, all I know is it’s got a lot going on but it gets the job done.

Kenan: Here you go Candy.

Candice: Thanks, Kenan.

Jonah: Wait, Kenan, they let you in here sometimes?

Jonah (sketch): Okay, okay, okay. I did it. I clogged the toilet and then later in the day, I went on top of the clog.

Jonah: I did more than just bathroom humor.

Candice: But that’s where you shined.

Jonah: You guys are so fun. I am so excited. I just want a jacket right now.

Drew: Wait, you wanna do what?

Jonah: No, no! I want a jacket. A jack-et. A Five-Timers Jack-et!

Tina: Jonah, you gotta be careful. Alright, let’s get this guy a jacket.

Tina: Yes, yes. [ She helps Jonah button the jacket. ] It’s official. Let’s make it official.

Jonah: Is this, is this like a women’s jacket?

Tina: Any jacket can be a women’s jacket. It’s 2018. Okay? Plus, it looks really cute on you.

Jonah: Is it like flattering?

Drew: Are you kidding? You’re crushing it.

Candice: I’d hit that.

Jonah: Wow, thank you, Candy. I’m truly excited. We got a great show for you here tonight. Maggie Rogers is here. Just stick around and we’ll be right back.

Dog Infomercial | Season 44 Episode 4

Sonja Vegamonté…..Cecily Strong

Damien Regulanté…..Jonah Hill

Ma…..Aidy Bryant

Z…..Kyle Mooney

Dana…..Kenan Thompson

Sonja: Hi, I’m Sonja Vegamonté.

Damien: And I’m a domestic partner, Damien Regulanté. If you’re anything like us, you breed pugs.

Sonja: But you wish they were more handsome and refined looking. I mean, he he, look at this one. [ She is handed a pug. ] Look how ugly this one’s face is.

Damien: He knows it, too.

Sonja: Yeah.

Damien: He’s bald. What’s the answer? I don’t need to tell you. You know. It’s pug wigs.

Sonja: Yeah, but where do you get one? Right here, at our flagship store, Pug Wigs!

Damien: Look at all of this. We got so many wigs; I get sick of it.

Sonja: When you put one of our wigs on your pug, you go from zero to ten, in a flash. Ma, bring out the first model.

Ma: Alright, this pug’s name is Magnolia.

Damien: Magnolia is sporting the wig from our Legends of Cinema Line.

Sonja: This is, of course, the Marilyn Monroe.

Ma: Yeah, Magnolia used to be a solid two. But with this wig, she looks like she’s ready to get mixed up in a presidential scandal. Sleeping with the President.

Sonja: Mmmhmm. He he.

Ma: Oh, hell yes. She can sleep with the President in this wig.

Damien: Yeah, that pug is so sexy delicious now.

Damien: Time for more pugs. Oh, look who decided to join us, my son Z, back from the drug hotel.

Z: My parents make wigs for dogs, it could’ve been way worse.

Damien: Show off your pug.

Damien: That is one fresh looking girl-next-door pug. Very dateable.

Damien: Next we have Denise with Humphrey.

Ma (Denise): Yes, and Humphrey is rockin’ an Ed Sheeran wig. Look how contemporary he looks.

Damien: [ He sings to the tune of ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran. ] He’s in love with the shape of his pug wig… And next is my wonderful partner, Sonja [ Ma walks off stage with the pug. ] accompanied by Olive. Yes.

Sonja: Yes, she is feeling her confidence in this Tina Turner wig. From our Vintage Diva Line. Wow, look at the height in this.

Sonja and Damien: [ They sing together. ] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…?

Damien: I’ll tell you what, everything.

Sonja: Okay, we have so much more, like [ Cut to a pug wearing a short black wig. The screen reads ‘Liza Minnelli.’ ] Liza Minnelli.

Sonja: And, Lady Diana. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is blonde and side swept. The screen reads ‘Lady Diana.’ ] Awwww.

Damien: This is a legit business people.

Sonja: Yeah, it’s not a front for anything, so.

Damien: And make sure to check out our sister store. Dana, tell them about it.

Damien: Thanks, Dana. So come to Pug Wigs, just pugs and wigs for their bald heads.

Sonja: Yeah, so Ma. Take us out with a song.

Ma: You got a fugly pug? Put a rug on that pug. [ She scats. ] Pug Wigs.

KCR News | Season 44 Episode 4

Tina Shepard…..Leslie Jones

Blake Boyhair…..Kenan Thompson

Drew Mellencamp…..Cecily Strong

Matt…..Jonah Hill

Terry…..Aidy Bryant

Announcer: You’re watching KCR News on KCR 1. And now, back to Albany’s favorite news team. Tina Shepard and Blake Boyhair.

Blake: Oh, welcome back, folks. Tina and I are laughing because she drew a very realistic penis right on the desk.

Tina: He dared me. He dared me.

Blake: Actually, I asked you not to do it. [ Tina is laughing hysterically. ] Anyway, let’s go to Drew Mellencamp with the weather. Drew, what’s up?

Drew: Hey guys. Get this. So, I was running late as usual. I was driving here, and out of nowhere, I hit somebody.

Tina: What?!

Blake: Are they okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s fine. The car’s a Volvo. The thing’s a freakin’ tank. Yeah, yeah, it’s all good. But unfortunately, I do have some bad news. It looks like that cold front is heading our way.

Tina & Blake: Drew!

Tina: How could you?

Blake: Don’t do that to us!

Drew: Sorry guys. It’s not getting any warmer anytime soon.

Matt: I think, I have just the thing to warm things up.

Drew: What? Matt, why are you at my work?

Tina: [ She looks shocked. ] Is this…?

Blake: I think it is. [ He looks excited. ] I hope I don’t cry.

Tina: I hope you don’t either.

Matt: Baby, I know I’m not the smartest guy on Earth. I know I don’t have a job at the moment, or for the past two years. But none of this matters, because being with you the past six months.

Drew: Three months.

Matt: It’s six, baby.

Drew: No, it’s three. Because we were not exclusive the first three.

Matt: You were not, I was. The point is, you’re the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. So, I have one thing to ask you…

Drew: My answer is no.

Matt: You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.

Drew: No, I do. And you promised you wouldn’t, so don’t…

Matt: Here we go, I know you’re scared.

Drew: Stop.

Matt: I had to spring it

Drew: Stand up.

Matt: on you baby.

Drew: No-oh. I’m gonna do the weather now. [ She walks away from Matt who is kneeled before her. She walks away and in front of a green screen which is displaying the 5-Day Forecast. ] So. Weather. That cold front from Canada hits us on.. [ Hip-hop music begins to play. ] What is this music? This better not be music for a rap.

Matt: [ He begins to rap. ] I have a forecast for the rest of my life. Partly happy, with a chance of man and wife.

Blake: Oh no, he chose to wear green.

Tina: And he’s in front of the green screen. He just looks like a floating head.

Matt: So Drew, what you gonna do? Say yes. What you gonna do?

Drew: Matt, you spelled marry wrong.

Matt: What do you mean?

Drew: You spelled it like the name.

Matt: I was in a rush. I was excited.

Drew: Matt, you promised not to do this. Especially on TV, at my job.

Matt: I know, but it’s called crossing your fingers, dummy. And I’m not the only one who thinks it’s a great idea. Your mom, Terry, is totally on board.

Drew: Terry? Are you talking about my birth mother who’s in jail?

Matt: Not since Friday!

Terry: Hey sweetie. How’s it going?

Drew: You’re not allowed to have…

Terry: Nah, let me have a hug.

Drew: No, you can’t have any contact.

Terry: Come on. Could I have four hundred bux?

Matt: I can’t wait. Come on, baby. I’m just a guy, standing here on Wednesday, asking my favorite weather gal to marry him. So what do you say?

Drew: No, Matt. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna push through with the weather. So, I’m sorry. I’m’… So, as you can see it’s mostly cloudy and cool at the beginning of the week. Damn it, Matt. Matt, wait!

Drew: Yes! Yes, you big dummy. Of course, I’ll marry you. The reason I didn’t want you to ask me on air, was because I wanted to ask you on air.

Matt: Are you serious?

Drew: You’re favorite song, ‘Colors of the Wind,’ from Pocahontas. Yes.

Blake: [ He begins to sing and red balloons fall from the ceiling. ] Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

Matt: You did all this for me?

Blake: Or ask the grinning bobcat why he grins?

Drew: Of course, why else wouldn’t I just say yes immediately?

Blake: Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?

Tina: Up next, police searching for a female driver of a Volvo suspected in a hit-and-run. But isn’t this beautiful?

Blake: Can you paint with all the colors…

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Red Sox’s World Series Win | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

David Ortiz…..Kenan Thompson

COLIN JOST: In the world of sports, the Boston Red Sox beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series. Easy. Easy. Here to comment is former Red Sox slugger, Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

David Ortiz: Yo, yo, yo, yo. Woooo! Como estas, el Jost? Ahh, those Red Sox son los campeones del mundo!

COLIN JOST: Yeah, that’s right, champions of the world!

David Ortiz: Shut up! You no translate!

COLIN JOST: Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry.

David Ortiz: The Red Sox won another World Series man. And you know how we celebrate in Boston?

COLIN JOST: You had a big parade, right?

David Ortiz: We had a big lunch.

COLIN JOST: There was a lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah. The whole city eat a big Dominican lunch. With Big Papi!

COLIN JOST: And then, what sort of lunch…?

David Ortiz: [ Speaking in Spanish about the meal. He mentions steak and clam chili. ] And then for Halloween, we finish it all off with a slice of pumplikan pie.

COLIN JOST: I’m sorry, pumplikan?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s when a pelican eat a pumpkin, and then you eat the pelican. It’s a spooky.

COLIN JOST: Okay, and did you celebrate with the other players after the game?

David Ortiz: Oh yeah bro. Everyone in the locker room was spraying each other with something. I think you know what it is.

COLIN JOST: Oh, oh, mofongo?

David Ortiz: No. Champagne, man. Mofongo, man, don’t be racist.

COLIN JOST: Alright. Well the ratings for the World Series were down this year. Why do you think that is?

David Ortiz: Well, because nobody know who these Red Sox players are, man. But everybody knows Big Papi. Because I became a spokesman.

COLIN JOST: Oh yeah, that’s right. You do ads or a bunch of different products, right?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I do ads for spokes. [ An advertisement for wheel spokes appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a wheel? But you don’t know how to connect it to your bike? Use spokes, man! They’re like tiny little crutches for your wheel.’

COLIN JOST: So that’s an ad just for the general idea of spokes?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It’s like the concept, bro. And I do ad for Apple Watch, too.

COLIN JOST: Apple Watch.

David Ortiz: [ And ad for Apple Watch appears below David on the screen. It is an image of an apple and then the word ‘watch.’ ] ‘Apple Watch. You go to watch your apples. Or a monkey is going to steal them. So use Apple Watch instead, use a gun.’

COLIN JOST: You protect your apples with a gun?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. You can eat apples with anything man. Monfongo. [ He names other dishes in what sounds like Spanish with a heavy Puerto Rican accent. ] Funnel Cake de salmon.

COLIN JOST: Wait, I’m sorry. Funnel Cake with salmon?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It make your dreams loco. Oh, and! Did you see my ad for bitcoin?

COLIN JOST: For bitcoin? No, no.

David Ortiz: [ An ad for Bitcoin appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a coin? But you don’t know if it’s gold or chocolate? Well if you bit coin, then you know.’ It’s what the pirates do in the movies, man. You know what I’m saying?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, yeah.

David Ortiz: And do you ever see the people who smoke the little vape pens?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, vape pens.

David Ortiz: Because I do an ad for Juul. [ An ad for Juul appears below David on the screen. ] ‘Juul. If you run around sucking on a vape pen, Juul look like a dumb ass, man.

COLIN JOST: Big Papi, everyone! Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

MICHAEL CHE: And I’m Michael Che, good night!

David Ortiz: Big Papi! Hey!

Weekend Update: Trump Deploys Troops to Stop Migrant Caravan | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. President Trump announced that he would deploy more than 15,000 troops to the US-Mexico border to stop a migrant caravan from entering the country. Meanwhile, a second migrant caravan just pulled up to landscape Mar-a-Lago. They’re calling this mission to the border ‘Operation Faithful Patriot’ which sells like a company that sells reverse mortgages and catheters. And fun fact, ‘faithful patriot’ is also what Mike Pence yells out during sex.

MICHAEL CHE: You know who’s getting off way to easy in all of this? It’s Canada. I mean there’s two borders on this country, but they’re only stopping Mexicans. Meanwhile, you know how easy it is to get into this country from white ass Canada? I bet Drake just uses the Tim Hortons Card. Old white people have the strangest fears. I mean of all the things that should actually scare them: salt, stairs, bathtubs, Joel Osteen. Why are you freaking out about Mexicans? I mean if anything you need to send the troops to stop your grandkids from stealing all your pain pills.

COLIN JOST: Trump campaign has launched a new ad with the slogan: “Things are getting better, we can’t go back.” Now, in my experience, a good way to tell that things are not getting better is if someone feels the need to tell you things are getting better. For example, the subway is full of ads about how the subway is improving. And I know because I read these ads when I’m trying to not make eye contact with a guy taking a dump in a clear plastic bag. That said, it’s still better than the Democrats midterm slogan: “Oh man, are we gonna blow this again?”

MICHAEL CHE: The midterms are Tuesday, and this election will probably come down to people who never vote. Like, me. Personally, I’m saving myself for someone special. I just think everybody’s vote should count the same. There’s no way my vote should count as much as Obama’s. If two doctor’s don’t agree on the diagnosis, they don’t just turn to the janitor and say, ‘you wanna break this tie, Carl?’ I am going to vote this time, though, because people tell me this is the most important one. Then again, they said that the last time. I mean it’s like getting a bill that says Final Notice, it’s never the final notice. If it were, you’d be like, cool I guess I just went to college for free then, bitch. I know a lot of white liberals are probably watching this and blaming me for not voting. But it’s not my fault, okay. They’re the ones wasting their vote in places like New York. They’re not ever from here. If you really want to make a difference, go back to Ohio, Megan. Or wherever your parents are paying your rent from, and vote there. That’s what counts. You know how those red states stay so red? By sending all their liberal kids to coastal cities to study improv.

COLIN JOST: Oprah Winfrey also went door-to-door in Georgia to campaign for Democratic candidate Stacey Abrams. Which is great. But can you imagine how disappointed you would be if Oprah showed up at your door and it was just to discuss politics? I mean look at this woman in Georgia opening her door for Oprah. She definitely thinks she’s getting a new car. And not a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. It’s like if you’re a kid and Santa comes down your chimney on Christmas eve, with no presents, just a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. Former President Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of hope and unity. Okay, but did he know that he was speaking in Florida? In Florida, Hope is just the name of stripper who took bath salts and bit off her neighbor’s face. And face it, the whole idea of unity went out the window two years ago. I mean, Ben & Jerry’s is releasing a new flavor called, ‘Pecan Resist,’ to honor people who protest the Trump Administration. It’s never a great sign for democracy when ice cream is taking sides.

Weekend Update: 50 Cent and Ja Rule’s Ongoing Feud | Season 44 Episode 4

COLIN JOST: Rapper 50 Cent continued his longstanding feud with Ja Rule by buying 200 tickets to his most recent concert so they would all be empty. It’s just great. Ironically, 200 tickets to a Ja Rule concert costs exactly fifty-cents.

MICHAEL CHE: NBC news announced the Megyn Kelly would not be returning to the Today Show after her comments last week about black face. But don’t worry, she’s recovering with a nice relaxing trip to the spa.

COLIN JOST: The Philadelphia City Council approved a resolution honoring Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot. After lawmakers passed the measure, Gritty kept his end of the deal, by releasing their children.

MICHAEL CHE: Two male penguins in a same-sex relationship have hatched their first egg. Or, and hear me out, male penguins look exactly like female penguins.

COLIN JOST: A nun in Colombia who had lived in a convent for eight years has left the clergy to become a porn star, destroying the otherwise spotless sexual reputation of the Catholic Church. And a man in New Mexico was shot in the back by his dog after the animal had rested his paw on a rifle in the back seat and it slipped. Okay, but then why had the dog googled: ‘How to shoot gun’?

MICHAEL CHE: The inventor of the MetroCard died this week..while waiting for the ‘L’ train.

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Capt Bill11 Senior Member

Sunsinker...

YachtForums Administrator

Sadly, this satirical look at how certain brands promote their wares at boat shows is reasonably accurate.

Kevin YF Moderator

LMAO... someone's been to FLIBS.

Capt Ralph Senior Member

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We Took Sunseeker’s New 75-Foot Sports Yacht Out for a Cruise. Here’s What It’s Like on the Water.

A sea-trial in rough offshore conditions made us understand how the predator got its name., howard walker, howard walker's most recent stories.

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Last week, I had the chance to do a sea trial on the new Predator flagship. The other models in the series include 55- and 65-foot models. The 75, which replaces the 74 XPS, shares the same hull as the Sunseeker 75 Sport Yacht, but without its flybridge. The long foredeck and swept-back hardtop of the new Predator makes it look fast, even at the dock in Fort Lauderdale.

The 75’s theoretical top end of 40 knots comes courtesy of the upgraded 1,900 hp MAN V12 turbo diesels. A whopping 3,800 horses. Smaller, standard 1,550 hp versions are available. But as Loran Stavrou of OneWater Yacht Group, the U.S. distributor, puts it during the test: “It’s a Predator. Why would you want smaller engines?”

The Predator concept has been a staple in the British yacht builder’s line since 1996, when the first 80 was launched. The idea was to create a yacht that was fast and beautiful, but with a sizable interior. The lack of a flybridge means that you’re steering inside from the helm on the main deck, rather than up top in the open air.

It was a feisty day out in the Atlantic as we exited Fort Lauderdale via the cruise ship channel, with a strong northerly throwing up four- to five-foot waves. We closed the sunroof to fend off the inevitable spray, pushed forward the throttles, and to the accompaniment of a lovely, throaty turbo whistle, the 52-ton Predator climbed up on plane.

With the wind behind us, we got close to the Sunseeker’s claimed 40-knot top speed, but the water was too rough to see what the boat could really do at speed in flat conditions. That day was more about running through, avoiding and occasionally slamming into the ocean swells. Throttling back to the yacht’s 30-knot sweet spot put the Predator right in its element, turning the slamfest into a fun ride.

We spent close to an hour offshore. Hard-over turns on the 75’s deep-V hull delivered the kind of super-tight response one might expect from a 30-foot sport boat. The turns became even more dramatic when the Predator’s Side-Power Vector fin stabilizers temporarily acted up, creating even sharper leans as we did tight circles.

After playing in the surf, we returned to the dock, noting how well the 75 maneuvers in tight quarters with the bow thruster.

During a walkthrough, the Predator’s softer side became apparent, especially the way the salon flowed into the rear cockpit, courtesy of big, power-sliding glass doors that drop out of sight. The ability to open the boat to the elements, or close down instantly with the push of a button, is key to understanding the Predator ethos.

Back inside the boat, the galley-down arrangement may not be too thrilling to those who would rather cook on the main deck with everyone else. But the glass sunroof, windshield, and lower-deck side windows delivered plenty of natural light. The galley was equipped with Miele appliances, including a full-sized fridge, freezer, and 33-bottle wine cooler.

The Predator shares the same three-bedroom layout as its 75 Sport Yacht sibling. The full-beam master amidships, large VIP cabin in the bow, and a guest cabin with twins were all ensuite, boasting seven feet of headroom. There was also a stateroom for two crew, though a surprising number of 75s are owner-operated. Sunseeker also used quality materials throughout, with high-end finishes like carbon fiber, Calacatta quartz, bleached oak and stainless steel. Fit and finish was universally strong.

Pricing for this new Predator 75 starts at around $4.6 million, with our heavily optioned test boat stickering for $5.72 million. After our lively sea trial, I also realized that, as part of its DNA, each Predator comes with a license to thrill.

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